Inside Dick Cheney's Brain (Satire)

I feel like Count Vitte who served the insipid Czar Nicholas II in the final years of Russia’s monarchy. A stupid boy sovereign who believed he was annointed by God. His subjects, the ungrateful peasants and proletarians lost their stomach for a noble war.

Rabble rousers, subversives and opportunists sowing the seeds of dissent and undermining morale. “Peace, land and bread!” Now it’s peace, healthcare and raise the minimum wage! Put a mustache and beard on Senator Schumer and he resembles Leon Trotsky! Instead of Lenin’s propaganda pamphlets we have blogs. Hillary Clinton might as well be the reincarnation of Vladimir Lenin’s wife Nadezhda Krupskaya.

Karl Rove is Rasputin. No way am I protecting the boy’s “turd blossom” when I testify in Scooter’s trial. Why should my guy hang for that faggot? At least my daughter is honest about who she is. And then there’s that closet fairy Ken Mehlman lecturing the party about ethics on his way out the RNC’s door. I’d like to take that hypocritical faggot on a hunting trip at my ranch.

Condi Rice is a waste of skin. Another token black with high approval ratings who forgets her place too much. Making Rummy ride shotgun to that woman in the Mideast during the Israeli-Lebanon war! Well, at least she doesn’t have a doctrine and medals to flaunt like Collin did. She’s a Nubian dilettante. Maybe I should unleash another subtle leak in the press about how Condi was shopping for shoes in New York while her people drowned in New Orleans.

Poppy’s mad at me. He should be mad at Collin who’s trying to salvage his precious reputation whenever he talks about the war. It was Collin, Baker and Scowcroft who didn’t want to go to Baghdad in 1991 and we hung the Shiite’s out to dry. That’s why we had to go back and get it right. Hell, Poppy would’ve won in ’92 if he’d only listened to me back then.

Everything is going fine but defeatists surround us! Most of Iraq is pacified. So some Arabs are fighting and dying in Baghdad? Who cares? The right strong man will emerge eventually and we’ll have our bases and the oil will flow. And when that happens we'll call it democracy. It’ll be like the good ole days when the Shah ruled in Iran with Savak.

Goddamn, every time a few soldiers die in an explosion the media has to hype it and make it a human-interest story. Some perspective please! Most Americans are not being asked to sacrifice for the war so why the unpatriotic criticism? Why can’t people just be happy that we’re fighting them over there instead of over here? Be a patriot and focus on your own life. Buy, sell and consume and stop asking questions. We know best or I do anyway.

Ah hell, nobody’s going to stop us. Let congress pass their stupid resolutions. Let them whine about us not having any authority to go into Iran. They’re not going to cut off funding. They’re not going to impeach us. They don’t have the balls. Pelosi certainly doesn’t have balls. And Kerry cried on the Senate floor the other day! Ha! We did miscalculate about James Webb. We’ll just have to Swift Boat him. And Hagel too. Murtha’s day is done now. Nobody listens to that ethically challenged son of a bitch anymore.

Our boy John McCain is going to take it in 2008. The people are such saps! He’ll criticize me to establish his independent bona fides but the fix is in already. We’ll even let McCain talk about “benchmarks” for the Iraqi government. But he’s on board with our vision of remaking the world. He’s actually a heck of a fellow!

Yeah, everything is fine. It’s not like the end of the Russian monarchy at all. And I have plenty of money too. Time for another Scotch! Is Fox and Friends on?