Inside John McCain's Brain (satire)

Anyone have the feeling John McCain's political star is declining but nobody has caught on yet? Certainly not the mainstream media or the Republican Party establishment. So I thought I would have some satirical fun and take a peak between his ears.

This is my time. I’ll be damned if that crew of chickenhawks in the White House is going to screw it up for me. If I had my way, 4 million troops would land in Iraq tomorrow. What's the big deal? Bunch of sissies in that White House!

I’m older than dirt and nobody is going to stop me. Who else in the Republican Party can pander to conservative nuts but still appeal to the vital center of bipartisanship?

Rudy Guiliani? In his dreams! I love the guy but get real! I’m whiter than him. Rudy’s a New York ethnic. I’m more of a man than him. I bled for my country. Rudy had to kiss ass to the New York elites about abortion and gay rights. He endorsed liberal Mario Cuomo in ’94. And has anyone ever seen those skits he performed on Saturday Night Live? Try selling that to Jerry Falwell.

I can’t wait for the press to pop Hizzhoner’s hot air balloon with a few choice pieces about his former police commissioner Bernie Kerik. Everybody knows Guiliani ran a corrupt shop as mayor. He’s going nowhere.

Chuck Hagel? All he’s got over me is hair. That’s it. My Vietnam story is far sexier than his. Nobody’s making any movies about Chuck Hagel in Vietnam like they did for me. And he talks like a fluffy liberal when it comes to national security. I love Chuck like a brother but what the hell did he do with his crown jewels? Politics isn’t beanbag. I’ll nail Chuck to the mast by calling him a liberal all the time.

Mike Huckabee? Save your story for those Subway commercials Governor Fatso. Mitt Romney? I don’t think so Mr. Mormon. Politics isn’t beanbag and I’ll cut you up like the Pillsbury Dough Boy you truly are. You’re nothing but a Massachusetts pro-life flip flopper. You’re John Kerry light.

Sam Brownback? A freak. Even the Christian Right know he can’t go all the way.

George Pataki? What a joke he is! The man is a failed commissar of New York’s Republican Party.

Newt Gingrich? Nothing but a pot smoking draft dodger from the sixties! Do we really want another one of those in the White House? Newt has a big mouth. The man has a paper trail longer than the Great Wall of China. He’ll be easy to destroy.

Duncan Hunter? He bought into Rumsfeld’s strategy from day one. I did too but the mainstream press isn’t about to challenge me. I can get away with saying I wanted more troops from day one when I really didn’t. I’m John McCain and I’m the straight talker even when I’m lying.

The Club For Growth types want to recruit South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford now that George Allen is gone. They don’t like me because I opposed Bush’s tax cuts. But they’ll find out real fast that Sanford is a lightweight who can’t carry my political jock. They’ll come running to me and I’m open for business.

I’ll have no trouble selling out to big business. I’ll just say I opposed tax cuts during a time of war but not in principle. I want to cut spending and let America’s “producers” keep their hard earned capital. They’ll go along and the mainstream press will write I’ve united the tax cutters and GOP deficit hawks.

I’m the man! Republicans have no choice but to nominate me. I’m anti-gay, pro-life and a closet corporatist. But the media portray me as a sensible centrist and good buddy Joe Lieberman always says nice things about me. I’ll take the nomination in a cakewalk.

The Democrats? Please nominate Hillary. The woman can hold her liquor. I’ll give her that. But who the hell do you want as Commander and Chief? Bill Clinton’s boss or me? During our joint appearance on Meet the Press I was chivalrous and said Hillary’s qualified. But everyone knows that Commander and Chief of the armed forces is a man’s job.

John Kerry? What a clueless sap! I enjoyed turning my political knife in his back! I may do it again for recreation. But I'll still refer to him as my good friend John Kerry. Politics isn't beanbag.

John Edwards? Just a pretty face. Barack Obama? I can always pick Collin Powell as my running mate. He’ll make a statement about supporting a McCain Administration’s policies on abortion. We’ll sell it as the grown up team ready to lead and in my administration Powell will have a real voice. He’s still popular. And he won’t say no to me. Powell’s a soldier and he’ll respond to the call of duty.

Al Gore? Ha! That Borg drone doesn’t stand a chance against the Straight Talk Express. I’ll beat him like a drum. He made that global warming movie and everyone forgot about the Buddhist Temple and “no controlling legal authority.” Politics isn’t beanbag and the media will do the dirty work for me. He’s Adlai Stevenson to my Dwight Eisenhower. I’ll blow Gore out.

Joe Biden? A northeastern windbag with a hairpiece.

My ole friend Russ Feingold would’ve been fun. He really is a straight talker. But he can’t compete with the Clinton money machine and dropped out. Me, I’m Mr. Campaign Finance Reform and the top fundraising dog in the Republican Party! I love it! I’m feeling my oats. I’m John McCain and nobody’s going to stop me.

Although the above is complete satire I believe McCain has accumulated a perverse hubris. McCain believes he can continue to portray himself as a sensible maverick and straight talker. The truth is very different and reality will close its grip on McCain just as it did for the Republican Party this past November 7th.